Transiting Saturn conjunct natal Pluto, or how I stopped worrying and learned to love the rack

I think the image above is an appropriate one for the experience of transiting Saturn conjunct natal Pluto in the Second House.

It is the rigour arising when past foundations (Saturn, the body) meet with unrelenting, transforming force (Pluto). 

In this case, my means of earning money, but also my self-worth - both Second House issues - are being warped-unto-breaking when combined with the Pluto principle - death and rebirth, (and perhaps hidden resources) - which lurks there natally.

The previous modes of income and their (admittedly scant) corollary - my self value - are being slowly put to death, and if I am wise, I will welcome and embrace this process, because what is dying is outmoded and toxic views of what it means to be valuable. 

Not to mention, what counts - and what is possible - as a viable means of income.

Those of you who have followed the (intermittent) ramblings of this blog, will know that such issues are nothing new for me, but they have been brought (I hope) to their peak by the unrelenting intensity of this transit.

Throw in transiting Saturn opposing natal Venus (in the Eighth), squaring natal Saturn (in the Eleventh) and the near-exact Pluto square (Fifth to Second) and you have a failure-is-not-an-option scenario that requires a fair bit of stamina to withstand.

But it also adds a tremendous impetus to commit to a new course when it comes to money-making and a fresh perspective from which to view myself. 

Which is to say, I'm being forced to consider: where does one draw their worth, if not from their accomplishments, their status, their revenue...?

While there are days when I long to simply find the off button, I know that I'm going to emerge far, far stronger and healthier from this process, and I am grateful for many things I had taken for granted at other, less-taxing times.

All is well, no matter what.

 

The images above were taken from this site and this site.

Reclaiming natal Saturn in Cancer

When I first began to study astrology, I was not exactly thrilled to discover that Saturn in my chart was in its detriment, in Cancer.

In fact, not only is Saturn - in my 11th house - in its detriment, but it forms the 'handle' of a bucket chart, through which all the other energies represented must find expression.

 At times, it's been a 'sore tooth' indeed.

Security-needing, anxious and overly-sensitive 11H Saturn in Cancer is the reminder of my early years in the shadow of a divorce and changes of residence; a symbol of the weakened position of my biological father in my life; a pointer to the deep unease and fear of social rejection due to 'not fitting in' at school or obeying the norms of career and life-path in the conservative country of my birth.

It is also a reminder of the weakened state of my birthplace - since Cyprus was invaded by Turkey in 1974, and is still, to this day, divided.

This particular Saturn also forms the 'leg' of a cardinal T-square, meaning in this case it is squared by Pluto in Libra and Venus in Aries, magnifying the levels of social unease, self-consciousness, anxiety and insecurity, and cranking up the need to control and protect myself whether in a group or one-to-one interactions.

Saturn is additionally retrograde, which, as the astrologer Lynn Hayes often points out, amplifies and internalizes the taskmaster voice of harsh self-criticism.

However.

I am now at a point where I acknowledge fear and insecurity to be truly a waste of my energy, as is the perception that this Saturn is irredeemable.

Hence, I have been trying to reclaim the so-called 'greater malefic's' power in a positive way, as part of a broader personal project of truly embracing, accepting and, dare I say it, loving, who I am. Flaws and all.

Among the things I've discovered during the process, is that this Saturn takes its family responsibilities very seriously.

This Saturn wants to be a wise and dedicated father - a strong, devoted head of a family, able to provide the resources for his dependents to thrive. Never belittling them, but rather guiding, supporting, protecting, cherishing and serving them.

Further, this Saturn wants to lead; to be an architect of an enlightened community; a clan-builder operating beyond the dictates of mere blood or national ties.

If this Saturn takes itself very seriously, it is because it is preparing for a time in which service to society will require laying down sure foundations, based on an expanded familial model, and free of the over-sentimentality and guilt that familiar loyalties can create.

Therefore, in the days to come, I want to take an unflinching look at myself, my core roots and identity, both the good and the bad, without repressing any associated feelings.

More than anything, I want to identify the defenses I assembled when I was little and slowly dismantle them. The current square to Capricorn Pluto can only be a boon to this process.

My next post will be all about the dark side of the Ninth. Stay tuned.

******

For those new to astrology, a good analysis of the meaning of Saturn in Cancer can be found in Jeff Jawer's excellent essay here.



The image above of Saturn Devouring One of His Sons by Goya was taken from this site.

Scorpio and Capricorn, or tougher-than-tough love

Sorry to have been MIA for ages dear readers; when I haven't been doing the night proofreading shift at the local English language daily, I've been giving most of my attention to working on my screenplay, meditating and a whole lot of self-reflection.

Above all, during this period, I have been musing on what exactly it is in me which always seems to attract the 'tough love' teachers. And why they are so often Scorpios or Capricorns. Or have so many planets/personal points in both signs.

Sort of like the relentless drill-sergeant Louis Gossett Jr. plays in An Officer and a Gentleman.

Take my father for instance. He's a Capricorn Sun, with (according to his mother's hazy memory of his birth-time) Scorpio on the Ascendant. That would fit him very well. Because he is not only my self-appointed timekeeper (Capricorn) - "We're not young forever; if I were you, I would stop wasting time and..." but is also given to dragging me into the underworld (Scorpio) at steady intervals, or probing deep into my soul (whether I invite him to, or not - most often not).

Meanwhile, my mother has Pluto in Leo conjunct her Ascendant, so that makes her rather Scorpio-like in her intense probing, too.

My old English Literature and Drama teacher, who has been a very important mentor in many ways, is a Capricorn; my ex-girlfriend, despite being a Libra, has Pluto conjunct her Sun, as well as the Moon, Mars, Mercury and Uranus all in Scorpio.

Then there's my current astrology teacher who has a very strong Saturn and a Scorpio Moon.

The list goes on and on and on.

Boy have I learned a lot from all of them, and continue to do so. Can't say I've always enjoyed the experience, but on the soul level I believe I have attracted them to me for a purpose. And, frankly, none of this is surprising given my own Capricorn Moon and Venus-Pluto-Saturn T-square. Or my natal Uranus in Scorpio sextile my Ascendant

In the fires of these intimates' intensity and in the boundaries they've forced me to honour - either in them or in me - I've slowly been (and continue to be) tested and refined, no matter how unpleasant it can at times be, for my higher good.

Then again, my musings could just be prompted by Pluto in Capricorn inching towards a square to my natal Pluto in Libra - which, taking into account my natal T-Square of Pluto-Venus-Saturn, is going to add up to a doozy of a Grand Cross - while transiting Saturn is on a collision course with Natal Pluto in my Second House. To say nothing of the pesky ongoing Neptune-Chiron-Jupiter dance, too.

Tough love, baby. The universe is really giving it to me aplenty.

By the time I head into my Uranus opposition, I'm going to be harder than steel and wiser than serpents, that's fer sure.




The above image was taken from this site.

Looking Ahead: Unlocking the Potential of Saturn-Pluto (and Pluto-Venus)

As a way of distracting myself from the ongoing sadness of the break-up, I'm looking ahead to transiting Saturn's entry into my natal second house as of this October, where natal Pluto awaits for the inevitable conjunction.

You always sense the changing of the guard astrologically before it happens. Especially with the transits of Saturn. Whatever is the issue that will be at the forefront with its ingress into a new sign is already 'in the air' by the time it's finishing up its passage in the sign before.

Saturn is almost done with my Virgo first and I feel like I'm 100 years old. I'm also even skinnier than I was before and wrinklier, too. Which is a rather odd combo, since I'm still considered youthful-looking (despite the advanced age of 34) so now I look like a really young-looking old guy. Weird.

But for a long time now, and growing in tremendous urgency over the last year, has been the issue of income. I'm tired of my hitherto stop-start earnings. I take most of the responsibility for this in that I never wanted a mainstream 9-5 job. In my defence though, my educational background is so varied (and arty) that I don't really fit a mainstream job. Quite apart from which, in Cyprus, the media jobs in the English language (since my English is stronger than my Greek) are few and far between.

However, mostly, I blame myself. If I wanted the security and money badly enough, I'd have sucked up the boredom in what was available and got on with it. That would have been, my natal retrograde Saturn in Cancer reminds me, the mature thing to do.

Now, I'm determined to unlock the doors of abundance in employment and - transiting Jupiter in my Sixth - to do so in a way that is meaningful to me. I am determined to start my shamanic training this August, but before that happens, I'm determined to make the most of my grab-bag of skills to become a truly independent freelancer.

There is another, far more major reason for my reticence to take on a mainstream job in conservative Cyprus, which, for reasons of privacy, I never mention on this blog. One day, I hope that obstacle and its power to make me feel like a freak, to be gone from my life. And perhaps one day, I'll feel brave enough to talk about it openly.

But the fact remains, I'm still more comfortable setting my own hours and working one-on-one with people in a creative/spiritual/healing way. You'd think astrology as a fulltime career would be the answer. But even the best astrologers among us attest to how the profession is not a get-rich-quick field. And with natal Pluto in my second opposite natal Venus in my eighth, I feel there is a much greater store of abundance than I have experienced so far, available to me. Of course, both Pluto and Venus are squared by natal Saturn, so there is huge fear involved with tapping into the power (and wealth) of that Pluto-Venus dynamic.

But I'm determined to heal myself of that fear and start making money. Money will mean more freedom, independence, self-sufficiency, confidence AND flow of energy in other ways. Movement in my life which has been marked by either periods of incredible frenzy and others of seemingly unending stagnancy.

Of course, like many, I tend to 'mythologise' my life. It's just an ordinary life in many ways, and I've been incredibly privileged.

But making decent money on my own terms... that will be part of the new chapter that is now beginning. I hope I can be of some service/use to others. I hope I can unlock my creativity in tangible form. I really, really hope I can slay some of the demons that have haunted (and tormented) me for so long.

Money. Transformation of potential (and values - here's hoping it includes a new self-worth). Re-structuring of self-sufficiency and plenty. Saturn bearing down on natal Pluto in the Second. Abundance.





The image above was taken from this site.

Venus Trine Neptune: the Piscean M.O. for Lovin'

I used to think everyone experienced that breathless, dumbstruck, shaken-to-the-core sensation when it came to love.

Then I found out that Pisceans are rather pathetic when it comes to matters amorous.

And even later than that, I discovered that, irrespective of whether one has the Sun in Pisces or not, if one is born with one's natal Venus trine its higher octave, Neptune, then falling in love is an event so momentous, it feels like whole worlds are being formed and destroyed at the mere thought of the beloved. It feels like being dropped in the heart of the sun and rejoicing at the annihilation. It feels like being ripped apart by a thunderous, rapturous wave - the perfect one surfers wait for - except you don't ride it, you let if fall upon you like a heavy, white mesh of bliss and surrender to being wiped out.

Er, before we get too carried away, that is my attempt to articulate what the experience symbolized by a Neptune/Venus trine might feel like. My own natal trine between those two planets is in the element of fire - Venus in Aries, Neptune in Sagittarius, and boy have I willingly burned whenever the lovebug's bit.

Why did I happen to choose this topic to post on? Because I've been musing about a lot of things, of late, including trying to identify where my own source of creativity comes from. A friend asked me two days ago something along those lines, and I burbled out an inarticulate reply that it required "a brush with love".

But really, that's what it is. What I feel when someone strikes me as beautiful and desirable and lovely, is that same exultant feeling I get when contemplating what strikes me as a great story to tell, or a dizzying bit of drama to act out. I feel like I leave my body and soar somewhere, not entirely certain of the geography.

Apparently, there are people for whom such transportation does not occur. I'm not entirely sure I should feel sorry for them. The highs bestowed on you by the almost transcendent, spiritual love symbolised by a Venus-Neptune trine are more than matched by the lows when the beloved one is seen through the inevitable perspective of the mundane. Or dear old Saturn comes to call by transit or progression, tearing down the pedestals we've built in our adoration and showing us exactly what we've sworn undying devotion to. Not quite as beautiful when seen through the Saturnian goggles, and absolutely no flying of any kind allowed. It's more like enduring, accepting, forgiving.

Perhaps a more positive way of putting all of that: Saturn helps give form to the ethereal, almost protean (and near sexless) nature of the Venus-Neptune trine, which, in its desire for immaculate, pure devotion, is less inclined to bring true carnality into the mixture. That's for Mars and Venus (and Pluto) to sort out on some other level.

I know that I still - very rarely now, but from time to time - see the apparent image of my first love - my long dead biology teacher appear before me, just before an important creative experience is about to dawn. She's usually walking just a little ahead of me, as lovely and as out of reach as when I first met her. She's always 28, the year she died. For me, she is an precious innocence, a remembrance of adolescent yearning that no amount of weariness, human frailty, age and cynicism can take away.

So love (and creativity) for me, is this, in essence: an idealised longing for a union where two melt away into some sublime self-negation. Which is, as far as I can make out, about as good an interpretation of Venus trine Neptune as a Piscean Sun can probably put it.

Pisceans. Tsk. They're so wimpy and soft. So sappy, gushy, wishy-washy, airy-fairy, arty-farty. Bleeding their hearts all over the carpet. Then crying because the carpet was the only thing you had to remember your dear departed old grandmother by.

Good thing bad boys Osama Bin Laden and Ariel Sharon (and Rupert Murdoch) have proved just how badass they can be. But then, to my knowledge, none of them is afflicted by a natal Venus-Neptune trine.






The image above was taken from this site.

(Pole) Shifting Perspective

Amazing what a little time makes to a person's outlook. I am happy to say, I have more or less moved beyond the 2012-pole-shift-mass-die-off terror. Those of my friends who weathered that crisis (due to my reading an apparently lucid esoteric site dedicated to surviving the event) may roll their eyes on reading this.

"I told you so," would not be remiss a response.

Which makes me wonder, why did I believe such predictions of catastrophe in the first place? My shrink tells me it's far easier to be swayed by the negative than the positive. Also, Mars had just opposed Pluto last fall when I stumbled on the contents of the site, and had entered my 11th house (hopes and dreams) heading towards not-so-mighty-mouse, chicken-hearted natal Saturn in Cancer.

A good combo for that classic "doomed" feeling; needless to say, the friendlies had a field day with that one.

Of course, there is still always the possibility that the 'ascension' of earth in 2011/12 may cause pole shift, in which case, most of us will perish. But I really can't be arsed to muster the appropriate terror. Besides which, doing so would make living in the present rather impossible.

The illustration was taken from here.

Welcome to the Dungeon, We've Thrown Away the Key. Natal T-Square of Saturn, Venus, Pluto

Occasionally, when the fear zombies strike, their fetid phantom breath filling the air and their invisible talons opening up wounds that only mostly heal, I get to thinking about my natal Cardinal T-square: Saturn in Cancer squaring an opposition of Venus in Aries and Pluto in Libra.

Can't say I'm overjoyed at this combo, but I've done enough reading on metaphysical topics to be open to the idea that I chose to incarnate with the potential this particular T-square symbolises.

So, just what does it indicate amid the unique cocktail of energies that help make me, me?

At the 'low vibrating' or 'negative' side of the scale, it can mean intense fear. Fear, fear, fear, and more fear. Obsessive, unshakeable, overpowering fear. Particularly as the intense passion-annihiliation-resurrection implied by the Pluto-Venus stand-off gets that extra edge of paranoia from boundary-lovin' Saturn's unhappy location in the sign of moody moon-child Cancer.

Basically, relationships are life and death to me - especially with a Seventh House Pisces Sun. I'm set up to 'merge' with a significant other - and such opportunities have indeed always been pretty all-or-nothing in their manifestation.

Also, as a card-carrying member of the Pluto in Libra generation, relationships are the realm of life where the deepest spiritual transformations are going to be taking place for me in this incarnation.

So, intimacy and relationships was always going to be somewhat chthonic in kind.

Now, when you factor in an opposition by Libra Pluto to passionate, me-centered Venus in Aries, things start to get very interesting. An obsessive need for the beloved manifests. One's own self-worth and confidence become as nothing in the face of hanging on to the (often provocative, inevitably Plutonian) beloved and avoiding rejection. One's desire for happiness and love regresses into a crude need to emotionally (and psychically) 'survive', being dependent on the good will (or lack thereof), attention and devotion of the love object. And without fail, my deepest love relationships have always had this dynamic at work.

And when you bring in a needy, dependent, security-driven Cancer Saturn to square Aries Venus (further undermining self-confidence and amplifying vulnerability), also forming the same difficult 90-degree-aspect to Libra Pluto (creating a near-pathological terror of letting go or undergoing change in the area of relationships), you end up with an individual who often self-sabotages or short-circuits, falling short of harnessing the mighty, initiating Cardinal power promised by this particular planetary trio.

What I am working on now - and I'd imagine it's to be a lifelong work in progress - is confronting that self-destructive dependency and insecurity by investing in self-mastery. Confronting the things that scare me to death while trying to do things that nurture my soul.

Perhaps if I, or, as is more likely, my beloved could "plutonify" (in the words of astrologer Steven Forrest) my natal Venus, then doing so might trigger "the emergence of unconscious or wounded material connected with [in this case, Venus], challenging it to grow and to implement the soul's healing intentions."

In other words, if I am open to the process, those sharing my inner-most thoughts and feelings could move me to burn up all the manipulativeness, self-destructiveness and lack of self-love that I express or experience, thereby transforming my relations with others and, more importantly, myself, into something harmonious, beautiful, transcendent.

Even more importantly, if I could overcome the need to be a timid, inept and incompetent child (Cancer Saturn squaring Aries Venus) and face head-on my feelings of despair and helplessness in the view of what seems to be the neverending threat of traumatic change (Cancer Saturn squaring Libra Pluto) I could put all of that initiating Cardinal energy into refining my interactions with family, friends and wider society (Cancer Saturn in the Eleventh), my values, relationships and reasoning (Libra Pluto in the Second) and other people's creative resources of material, spiritual or psychic kind (Aries Venus in the Eighth).

Interestingly enough, my beloved one's (Libra) Sun-Pluto conjunction falls exactly on the Lord of Death's position in my own natal chart, while also opposing my birth Venus.

In other words, the two of us have the potential either to become catalysts for initiating a new level of emotional and spiritual self-awareness both in each other and ourselves, or to end up embodying the very real, very deep-rooted fears of rejection, trauma and abandonment that haunt us both.

Fears for Every Taste and Inclination (Plus a Soupçon of Hope)

Here are two really interesting articles on environment-related issues. To make you shake in your boots (but I promise the more timorous of you I end on a good note).

You may ask me why I do this, post stuff that scares the living bejesus out of me. Well, I've always been of the opinion that fears have to be confronted, if only to be overcome. And let me tell you, being a Sun-Jupiter combo in Pisces, squared by Neptune, I tend to live - or "choose to experience" as the latest shrink rightly pointed out today - some of the biggest, juiciest, slaver-fanged nightmares of them all.

Firstly, an excellent article on the cost of China's economic growth from the boys and gals down at Mother Jones, which y'all can read here: www.motherjones.com/news/feature/2008/01/the-last-empire.html

My thanks to Lynn Hayes of the Astrodynamics blog (http://astrodynamics.blogspot.com/index.html) for alerting me to the article.

And if that doesn't give you night sweats, how about the following for yer readin' plesh? I came across it from the terrific WorldChanging site (which if you haven't checked out, you simply must) : http://www.wsws.org/articles/2000/oct2000/poll-o06.shtml

That's fair, right? In the interests of balance, we mustn't forget the US when making a little list of uber-polluters.

DIGRESSION: At some point, I'll post some articles from the Cyprus Mail website, too, to bring in my own, humble island's contribution to this area.

But I promised you a slightly more upbeat ending to this post. So, here's an Agence France Presse piece regarding Beijing's decision to get hard data on the actual scale of environmental damage done to China in the course of economic growth trumping eco-respect: http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5h6tJL7WXplzyQEqzZPxh-u4B0wgQ

Gathering hard data is a positive sign. It means the powers that be in this fast-developing nation are seeing the writing on the wall.

Also, for those of you versed in astrologese, Lynn Hayes had this to say:

"Remember that Pluto [planet associated in astrology with death and resurrection] rules over breakdown and destruction, followed by transformation. The elevation of Ceres to planet status has coincided with the eruption into mass consciousness of an acceptance (finally!!) of the need to protect the planet's resources. Capricorn is concerned with matters of business, factories, governments, anywhere things are made and commerce is conducted. The emergence of China as a world power, without the democracy that helps to put safeguards in place, is likely to be the focal point of the Pluto in Capricorn period. Already we are seeing the emergence of a deadly "people's revolution" to protest the devastation of the environment there that is likely to come to a head with the upcoming square of Uranus in Aries to Pluto in Capricorn."

Amen to that, say I. The sooner ordinary people join forces (and they are, amigo) to take their children's future security into their hands - since our slothful governments worldwide will ever drag their feet - the better.

Self Defence Beginneth in the Brain, Heart

Happy New Year all. Apologies for the lack of posts, but everyone and their pet iguana has been online in Cyprus over the past few days. Which means the internet connection has been too nightmarishly slow to try to blog.

So. 'Tis the first month of 2008. Which means, I need to set targets and get my sluggish self motivated.

No, I'm not going to do the resolutions thing - besides, it's not even a new Moon, and Mars is retrograde for a mite longer. I am, however, going to fire off some stuff that's been on my chest.

Firstly, I cannot wait till the end of Pluto in Sadge. Not that Pluto in Cap won't be tumultuous and trying in its own way, but I am so sick and tired of the self-righteous, 'us-versus-them' bloodshed and aggression. Granted there always was that, but the Lord of Death's passage through the Truth (or heat)-seeking Archer has certainly signalled volatility of the first order.

I've been thinking a lot about 'us' versus 'them' these days, for a lot of reasons.

The issue has been in my mind because of the way the Republican candidates in the US presidential race have been trying to John Wayne their opponents by how much tougher than anyone else they're going to be on illegal immigrants.

Because of the way our own society in Cyprus has really been struggling with the realisation that its wealth and affluence will incline those from far-less-fortunate countries to want to live and work in our country - and yes, that commonly means folks of 'black', 'brown' and 'yellow' races.

And just generally because of the way powerful governments worldwide continue to divide people and amp up all the areas where we don't see eye to eye.

Recently, I also stumbled across the following website: http://www.360defence.co.uk/ whose personnel is trained in Israeli self defence techniques (Krav Maga and the like) and who offer urban protection skills, to allow people to survive hi-jackings, hostage situations, muggings and the like.

Now, I have nothing against defending oneself in times of danger. I, personally, am a fan of martial arts, have been a Karate, Kendo, Tai Chi and Fencing student and plan on taking up Aikido later on down the line.

However, all of these disciplines (with the exception of competitive fencing that doesn't really have a philosophy per se) teach respect of both oneself and one's opponent, and cultivate humility and discipline in one's training. They do not encourage their adherents to focus on a hostile, aggressive and dangerous world.

One could argue: but the world is hostile, aggressive and dangerous. To that, I would say, how much of that is real, and how much of that is media and political hype? Yes, there is real sectarian and military bloodshed in Somalia, Kenya, the Congo, the Sudan, Ethiopia, Eritrea, Afghanistan, Iraq, Gaza, Thailand, Pakistan etcetera etcetera.

But our response to such violence and atrocities is key. One can acquire the skills with which to make the best - hopefully defensive - decisions for oneself in the worst case scenario, but that doesn't mean we have to think of the world as a dangerous and hostile place.

Why? Because, I believe, as it is taught in the esoteric wisdom traditions, that what you believe, you create. Thoughts are as powerful as actions. Words, symbols also.

It all comes down to energy. If we are all investing energy in believing we live in an 'us-against-them' world, then that is the world we will continue to live in.

I don't know about you, but I, for one, am sick of it.

There is no 'us', there is no 'them'. We are all one.

Yeah, if some psycho ever attacked my family, I would defend them and I would defend myself. Would I ever kill someone if my life was in danger? Probably. I hate the thought of it, but I have recognised an instinct for survival in myself that has nothing to do with my civilised, pious self. There is definitely the primal force inside me for self-preservation.

That is why I fear the collapse of civilisation so much. I know how little it would take for that instinct to take over the majority of us. To become vigilantes or organise ourselves into gangs and steal, murder and rape for resources, power and, worst of all, pleasure.

DIGRESSION: I am not an Augustinian btw - I do not believe humankind is inherently evil. But what little I know of evolution's processes does make me fear the reptilian brain with which we are all still endowed and that can kick in at times of threat.

But to get back to my original point: if we look upon everyone as equals, with needs and fears and hopes identical to ours, if we can view everything that lives as precious, we would create a far, far less violent and aggression-fuelled world.

That is why I found the offer of urban 'survival' training particularly disturbing. Because it's sort of a business based on the perpetuation of a hostile world view.

Do I feel better about free, police-offered training? Yes, because I still think we need the police (which, of course, means I acknowledge the existence of a level of crime). And it somehow feels less 'hysterical' than training for scenarios such as hijackings and terrorist attacks.

Actually, there's the rub - there's something 'hysterical', it seems to me, about offering services to train people against 'terrorist' attacks and hijackings.

How many terrorist attacks and hijackings is the average person ever likely to experience? Which isn't to say there shouldn't be training for it, but I think, again, it should be done through the police, in a less fearmongering way.

Do I object to shops and stores and banks and offices having security guards? No. But again, having guards on such premises is, it would seem to me, adequate to tackle the sort of crime one finds in the real world.

At any rate, for those convinced that I am merely a confused, naive, self-contradicting idiot, there will always be arguments for better 'protecting' ourselves against the bogey man.

I still maintain, though, that our 'enemies' and 'aggressors' are, to a great extent, the product of self-interested power games at the geopolitical and economic level.

Bottom line: yes, I would like to know how to defend myself. But no, I do not believe that that is where my responsibility to myself - and to others - ends. If I want to live in a better, more harmonious world, first of all, I have to be open to believing it already exists.

It is my hope that as we realise how perilously near we are to destroying life on this planet, either through insidiously engineered wars, environmental destruction or economic pillaging, we will want to protect what is precious and the birth-right of all - our world.

I propose that where such 'protection' would have to begin is in our minds and hearts. By envisioning and believing in a world - which includes humankind - worth honoring, cherishing, and preserving.

Goodbye to All That, or 2012 and the End of Time

I may as well confess that one of the reasons I've made a commitment to keep writing this blog is a profound fear of death.

I'm not quite as unhinged as when Tennyson undertook the mammoth 17-year task of writing In Memoriam A. H. H to come to grips with the passing of a very dear friend of his - and to keep from going mad from grief - but the sheer, animal fear on the bad days, and the duller-but-still-persistent existential malaise at the thought of annihilation, has fallen like a shockingly effective sound blanket - heh, couldn't resist the filmmaker allusion - on the buzz and hum that was my former drive for living.

It's rather hard to live well and to feel strong enough to tap whatever wit, passion or courage for adventure and growth one has if one is busy struggling, every day, with the idea that time is running out.

And it seems to be running out very quickly. And I go back and forth on this doom-laden stance, sometimes retreating to a more hopeful position, other times swinging back to preparing for the end.

But how did all this begin? Well, some months ago, I had finally signed up for a correspondence course on Astrology. The problem is, the course is offered by a mystery school whose founder and supporters are, as I write this, preparing for a cataclysmic disaster the like of which will render 90 percent of life on the planet dead. To wit: they're preparing for pole shift - as in the shifting of the earth's axis, not to be confused with a shift of the planet's magnetic poles - and are warning those who visit the site and are open to the thought of the end of life as we know it, to resettle in latitudes greater than 65 degrees North.

Effectively, that means within the present Arctic circle.

As I have understood it, this planetary event is meant to occur on December 21, 2012, at the end of the Mayan long count or 'calendar', after which 'life' will continue, but only those evolved enough to survive the energy shift - which is apparently the true cause of the pole shift - and who, presumably, have relocated to the Arctic circle in time - will be around to experience it. The rest of sentient life will physically perish and be reincarnated into other worlds of a lower energy vibration - suited to their level of spiritual evolution.

In this scenario, what I fear most is dying of fear or somehow surviving to find people closest to me dead and a new stone age beginning.

Now, there are other sites in the New Age blogosphere that argue the labours of 'lightworkers' of every kind from around the world has 'ameliorated' the prophesied changes to the lesser (though still deadly to many) natural disasters we are currently dealing with, and that the earth's changes are a mirror of the true transition - the heightening in spiritual consciousness - that all of life - including humankind - is experiencing.

Some also argue that the material world is not what we think it is, but a common dream/illusion we are choosing to participate in.

Still others believe we are living in the 'end times' apparently foretold in the sacred writings of several religions and faith traditions, not least those of indigenous peoples, the Bible, and those who claim to be in touch with the earth's spiritual masters - the mysterious Heirarchy.

This camp believes that, on December 21, 2012, those who are evolved enough to endure living in the fifth dimension - or, at any rate, on some sort of multidimensional plane where linear time no longer exists - will be taken up to other levels of existence, some versions have the process aided by far more evolved aliens in spacecraft (the New Age version of the Biblical 'rapture') - while the rest of humanity will undergo the dreaded Tribulation mentioned in the Bible's Book of Revelations - which apparently entails physical phenomena such as land masses disappearing (eg. much of Southern California and New York) extreme volcanicity, earthquakes and ultra-powerful winds. Meanwhile, the moon will disappear temporarily and all will be pitch darkness.

After the end of these terrors - which in some versions last about a week, but the timing is sketchy - those fortunate few who 'ascended' before the calamity will be returned to rebuild the earth and usher in a new golden age.

Now, ordinarily, a sceptic like myself would have rejoiced at the mention of aliens - not because I don't believe there aren't other inhabited worlds out there - but because my mind just sort of shuts down at such a quasi-comical, Sci-Fi B-movie-plot-sounding scenario.

I might also have taken heart from all the New Age blogs writing about the apparent new generations of spiritually-evolved and highly-gifted kids (the Indigo, Crystal and Rainbow children) being born to assist this incredibly powerful transition to a new Earth and new spiritual plane.

And then there's the fact that several discount the idea of the Mayan long count being an actual numerical calendar - arguing that it was meant to be symbolic, and not actually chronologically linear, not to mention that many such folks also believe the 'true' Mayan count comes to an end on October 28, 2011.

However.

Somehow, deep, deep within, I fear our collective annihilation just the same. It could be just that I am supremely sensitive to suppressed Collective fears (actually, I am - no doubt about it) and that we're all experiencing the despair borne of the enormously impulsive, savage, fundamentalist and commercially greedy era of Pluto (bringer of death and transformation) in the sign of Sagittarius (the Higher Mind, religion, Truth with a capital 'T', philosophy, higher learning, restless travelling and reckless optimism).

It could be all of the above and the fact that I have desperate-for-security Saturn in Cancer, which has also recently been rattled by the transit of Mars in Cancer (currently retrograde and heading back into Gemini) opposing Pluto at the end of Sadge and about to enter Capricorn towards the end of January 2008 AND the fact that my growing interest in Baha'i has led me to learn of Abdu'l-Baha's prediction of a calamity such as "to make the limbs of men quake" that must be endured before a new age of unity and peace can begin.

At any rate, even if we're not going to be wiped out by pole shift in 2012, as of now, we're sure as hell plunged up to the neck in crisis with the mounting danger of climate change and the potential collapse of civilisation as we know it, given the increasing demand on shrinking resources. Can we all work together to stop the grim countdown that the eco-crisis seems to portend?

I don't know.

What I do know is that I have to find a way of breaking through the sheer paralysis from fear when I contemplate famines, droughts, heightened earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, floods, hurricanes, savage wars over life-sustaining territory and a million different ways to die - or survive on a planet that could prove hostile in ways unimaginable to someone born and raised in the privileges of the Developed World.

At any rate, if this really is a countdown to some catastrophe from which few shall escape with their lives, I pray I may be used to help and heal people and be as creative as I can. I had great hopes for my life, but of late I have had to entertain, more and more, the idea that I am truly insignificant in the grand scheme of things. 'I' have, more and more, ceased to exist. At least the old me, that used to want fame and a successful film career and professional respect.

How can I be important when innocent babies are born to the torment of life in a Darfuri refugee camp or the open air concentration camp that is beseiged Gaza or the ravaged, war-torn Iraq or Afghanistan or a million other places where people live in poverty, anguish, hunger, suffering and despair.

I should rejoice in the knowledge, then, that I am truly insignificant. And yet, there is a part of me that wants to live. To live expressing my highest, most wise, most compassionate, most creative self, for however long or brief that might be. May I choose wisely as time thunders to 2012, and may I be receptive to being used by God in service to others, however it best pleases the Universe.

Funnily enough, having mulled over these thoughts as I took my walk today, Christmas day in the West, once at home, I stumbled on a poem I apparently wrote October 22, 1999, and had completely forgotten about. It's rather rough - a sonnet of all things (Petrarchan for those who care, though it slips up in the sestet to rhyme cdcdcc for some reason...) that I must have intended to return to and refine, but put out of my mind instead. A strange synchronicity, given that it reads:

Stopped Time

There are those words that are far better stored
within the heart than uttered by the tongue.
And if such occult hymns are muted sung
impatient ears must hearken to the bawd,
whose music both offends and pleases, poured
brazen from more wanton lips. For naught, young-
er and less experienced notes softly hang
in unrequited hush, to be ignored.

I may grow lean, grey-pallored, dull of eye,
abbreviate my steps, speak slower yet,
but age, which brings me greater wit, will play
not winter on these pipes. Still green, bereft
of voice, I wither on and on, to be
love’s stoppered vial, in dumb eternity.

If, beyond 2012, I am alive, I will have been reborn, indeed. Become 'immortal' one might say, since, as far I can make out, you can only die once in any given incarnation! Either way, it will be a very interesting countdown to my 37th year - particularly as Pluto inches towards my natal Moon in Capricorn.

A profound death and resurrection awaits.