Reclaiming natal Saturn in Cancer

When I first began to study astrology, I was not exactly thrilled to discover that Saturn in my chart was in its detriment, in Cancer.

In fact, not only is Saturn - in my 11th house - in its detriment, but it forms the 'handle' of a bucket chart, through which all the other energies represented must find expression.

 At times, it's been a 'sore tooth' indeed.

Security-needing, anxious and overly-sensitive 11H Saturn in Cancer is the reminder of my early years in the shadow of a divorce and changes of residence; a symbol of the weakened position of my biological father in my life; a pointer to the deep unease and fear of social rejection due to 'not fitting in' at school or obeying the norms of career and life-path in the conservative country of my birth.

It is also a reminder of the weakened state of my birthplace - since Cyprus was invaded by Turkey in 1974, and is still, to this day, divided.

This particular Saturn also forms the 'leg' of a cardinal T-square, meaning in this case it is squared by Pluto in Libra and Venus in Aries, magnifying the levels of social unease, self-consciousness, anxiety and insecurity, and cranking up the need to control and protect myself whether in a group or one-to-one interactions.

Saturn is additionally retrograde, which, as the astrologer Lynn Hayes often points out, amplifies and internalizes the taskmaster voice of harsh self-criticism.

However.

I am now at a point where I acknowledge fear and insecurity to be truly a waste of my energy, as is the perception that this Saturn is irredeemable.

Hence, I have been trying to reclaim the so-called 'greater malefic's' power in a positive way, as part of a broader personal project of truly embracing, accepting and, dare I say it, loving, who I am. Flaws and all.

Among the things I've discovered during the process, is that this Saturn takes its family responsibilities very seriously.

This Saturn wants to be a wise and dedicated father - a strong, devoted head of a family, able to provide the resources for his dependents to thrive. Never belittling them, but rather guiding, supporting, protecting, cherishing and serving them.

Further, this Saturn wants to lead; to be an architect of an enlightened community; a clan-builder operating beyond the dictates of mere blood or national ties.

If this Saturn takes itself very seriously, it is because it is preparing for a time in which service to society will require laying down sure foundations, based on an expanded familial model, and free of the over-sentimentality and guilt that familiar loyalties can create.

Therefore, in the days to come, I want to take an unflinching look at myself, my core roots and identity, both the good and the bad, without repressing any associated feelings.

More than anything, I want to identify the defenses I assembled when I was little and slowly dismantle them. The current square to Capricorn Pluto can only be a boon to this process.

My next post will be all about the dark side of the Ninth. Stay tuned.

******

For those new to astrology, a good analysis of the meaning of Saturn in Cancer can be found in Jeff Jawer's excellent essay here.



The image above of Saturn Devouring One of His Sons by Goya was taken from this site.

Freddie Mercury (in Retrograde): He's the One

This evening I attended a two-hour rehearsal of a Shakespeare comedy, being performed by a local Anglophone drama group here in Nicosia. And for awhile, the pain of the break-up and the lack of a concrete plan while being back again in Cyprus did not feel so painful.

Actually, I'm often super-animated and expressive when I'm with people, particularly creative people. And when this happens, Virgo-rising or no, all I want to do is perform.

This is more of a Leo trait of course, but my other planetary signatures for creative expression when added to that Aries Venus, just make me want to entertain, charm and engage with people. To put it another way, I'm the ego of the moment.

I guess I don't often mention my Venus in Aries on this blog, but for such an ill-at-ease, often quiet and sombre person who is uncomfortable in his own skin, weirdly enough, I can be the life and soul of the party.

Of course, it's not all fun and games, despite the fun and games, if you know what I mean.

This Venus is squared by neurotic, insecure Saturn in Cancer and opposed by iron-fist-in-velvet-glove Pluto in Libra.

However, this Venus is also trine jovial Neptune in fiery Sagittarius and sextile Mercury in electrically-charged Aquarius. And quintile Aquarius Mars. Not the kind of Venus to get her to a nunnery. Far from it. Frankly, this Venus is The One and doesn't care who knows it.

When I'm in this ultra-energised, witty and expressive mode, I feel like I'm channelling one of my favourite artists of all time: the late, great virtuoso performer and singer, Virgo Sun Freddie Mercury.

So much for my Virgo-rising modesty, but how curiously appropriate to this particular Mercury Rx period.





The image above was taken from this site.

Taurus New Moon - Welcome Abundance

So, it's the Taurus new moon, and I figured I should post something to kick off my return to this blog.

It's been ages since I've posted anything here and, frankly, it takes a lot to be back. The last six months have been fairly taxing emotionally and mentally - even physically, given some needful surgery I underwent this past February.

I'm now back in Nicosia, Cyprus after having flown out from New York City this Monday and having ended my first major relationship - my American ex-girlfriend's decision, not mine. To be honest, I can't get my head, heart and mind round the situation. But perhaps it's for the best. Her reasons for deciding on the break-up were based on our different cultures and paths in life, and our lack of mutual interests. Hearing that you'd think splitting up would be obvious. But we lasted a month shy of six years because of the love and tenderness we had for each other. There was a lot of that, the first three years. And it was wonderful. Certainly the best three years of my life and a level of happiness I never thought I'd enjoy.

If I'm honest with myself, though, I'll admit that we were always different, which was probably always going to be problematic in the long-run. And the kind of affection I mention above had been one-sided (ie from me alone) for a while now - particularly after the half-way point during my forced return to Cyprus from August 2006-October 2008 (due to my scholarship's strict home requirements following my graduation), and the obstacles to her joining me on the island. While we were living apart, her own hopes and dreams surged forth (unsurprising, as Saturn crossed her ascendant just days before I left the USA for my two years of 'exile' in Cyprus) and she began to focus unrelentingly towards realising her dream. She wants to found a charter school where she will be the principal and, in this way, shape children's education. To achieve this, she began collecting all the needful credentials - MBA, MEd, three years of teaching, PhD - while holding down a full-time job, as of March of 2007, leaving her little time for me, but also eventually granting her the insight that we were never going to bond over her passion for education, or over mine for filmmaking and all things spiritual.

So again, I guess she might have done us a huge favour by calling it off. But I'm still in mourning for a shared life I thought would be ours.

Just what has this to do with today's Taurus new moon?

Well, Taurus is a symbol of fertility and abundance, and my ex always symbolised 'plenty' to me. She was the embodiment of the Empress of the Tarot and the cornucopia of all good things; a happy, joyous home where there was always something playful happening, good food being prepared, and much love available to be shared. It might sound unrealistically idealised, but I guess that's part of the meaning of my family-oriented, Saturn in Cancer and Venus trine Neptune (the latter found in my fourth house). In other words, she was the manifestation of all that home and love mean to me.

But now that she is no longer mine in that way, I find I'm more and more open to finding abundance in my own heart and soul. Finding self-sufficiency and plenty inside me. And with Taurus in most of my ninth house, I am focusing on tapping into the abundance and creativity of my 'higher mind' and my higher education. I'm looking toward generating my most mature creative writing, after a wealth of tertiary education, and for it to steer me toward creative plenty and - why be coy about it? - money.

I've always had a troubled relationship with money; when I was growing up, there never seemed to be enough - even though I lacked for nothing and enjoyed a pretty high standard of living - and there was tremendous anxiety about it. Until recently, I was either uninterested in making or having it, or believed I had no aptitude to earn any significant amount. Now I see it as energy, and I'm sending out my gratitude in advance for the plenty in terms of income that is about to open to me. (This is a big issue of trust in the provision of the universe/God, so it's part of my healing process - being fairly left-brained, I tend to doubt the so-called 'law of attraction' without applying myself in a more practical, mundane way to 'getting what I want').

Of course, money can't take the place of the joys of the senses. And it can't buy you love. But perhaps the joy of abundance that is Taurus, whether its a plenty of lucre, literary output or love, will carry me forward toward finding that 'plenty' in a new love again.

Peace, joy, creativity and plenty to all on this Taurus new moon.

Meanwhile, thumbs up to the lovely article on this lunation by Beth Owl's Daughter. You can read it here.






The image above is from the mythic Tarot deck and was taken from this site

Natal Saturn and Cutting the Anxious Some Slack

I was thinking, today, that it's so unfair some types are endowed with seemingly endless enthusiasm and self-confidence, while others struggle every day with neuroses, free-floating anxiety, guilt, fear and soul-destroying self-doubt.

What gets my goat even more is that the former usually end up overtly or covertly blaming the latter for perpetuating their own woes. Or, at the very least, end up sounding intensely patronizing when they're genuinely trying to be supportive or encouraging.

"Grow up," or "Deal with it," or "Suck it up," or "Stop being a loser," or "What, you think you're the only one?" or "You're [insert number] years old for chrissake..." or "You're choosing to be unhappy," or "Until you accept [insert person/situation], you're going to feel bad," or even, my personal fave, "Noone can help you, but you".

Before anyone jumps on me for presuming to speak for the less-assertive and self-esteem-possessing, let me be the first to say, right here and now, that I believe experiencing suffering and negativity is a personal choice, and that what happens to us and how we live our lives does depend, much of the time, on our choices and application of will.

But.

I am also of the opinion that, from the point of view of natal Astrology, our birth charts point to inclinations toward positivity or negativity that we come into the world hardwired to manifest in varying degrees. And these take far more application of will, self-discipline and self-knowledge to overcome.

A good indicator of the flavour of anxiety and fear in our lives, as well as the sphere of life it is likely to be most operative in, is the condition and position of Saturn in the birth chart.

In our Saturnian world of order and ego-protecting boundaries, we pooh-pooh (and are deeply threatened by) Neptune's vague and profoundly irrational terrors - all very Twelfth House stuff and, consequently, dismissed in the harsh light of day and conveniently locked up in our astrological house of ghosts.

To my endless chagrin, the Cosmic Taskmaster when I was born was in its detriment in Cancer. Cancer Saturns bode ill for early family life and amplify the desperate hunger for material (and emotional) security. In my Eleventh House of friends, hopes and wishes, it marks an unease in social gatherings or groups, an awkwardness with companions of my own age, and a paranoia about being able to provide for myself or, conversely, a horror of dependency.

The Greater Malefic in my birth chart is also retrograde, which, as Lynn Hayes of Astrodynamics (http://astrodynamics.blogspot.com/index.html) accurately points out, "shows a strong tendency towards self-criticism and low self-esteem."

In addition, Saturn contacts my birth Venus in Aries and Pluto in Libra in a rather trying T-square, and is quincunx vague and illusory Neptune in Sagittarius.

Add to that an ultra-receptive Sun-Jupiter conjunction in Pisces, and Sun-Neptune square and it might be fair to say that it doesn't take much to send me teetering to the edge of the collective abyss.

Lucky for me, my Capricorn moon usually kicks me in the arse and gets me into gear to plod onward, despite the ever-present desire not to get out of bed in the morning, soundly admonishing me for being such a self-pitying mound of jelly at times. It's a masochistic M.O. but, so far, it's one of the few things that forces me to fight the blackness when it comes and not simply succumb to despair.

To be fair, though, having come this far at the grand old age of almost-33, I accept and acknowledge that there really is a personal power in everyone to take control of their lives - even when everything else seems in chaos. Whatever the length of our lifespan and the limitations of our material circumstances, we can choose to face fears, however irrational, and accept the possibility of pain and vulnerability and uncertainty, not to mention responsibility for our happiness and peace of mind.

Perhaps it ultimately does come down to a triumph of the will, if one may disassociate the notion from Nazi documentarian Leni Riefenstahl's film of the same name.

And my Mars-Pluto and Sun-Saturn trines can only help on that score.